With the holidays upon us, I thought I would lend a helping hand. Tis the season to pitch in and make yourself feel good about ignoring those in need for the past eleven months. So, I thought I would volunteer my services to and finish up those last-minute gift ideas for you. The ones that you forgot you needed or were just too shy to ask. Everyone has their list for Santa Claus. You may not want to admit it, but you do. Some of these suggestions are semi-serious, some are light hearted. None of these deal with particularly heavy subjects. Without further ado, here are my additions to everyone’s Christmas lists.
For every middle-aged office worker who goes to the holiday party thinking, “I can still tie one on like I’m in my twenties” I wish for them a little common sense. The sad truth is, you can’t. Slow down and realize, the consequences you are facing once you walk back into the office Monday morning. Even if you can still bend your elbow with the best of them, you will probably make a complete ass out of yourself. Then, when the holiday party is cancelled next year for “budgetary” reasons, everyone will be looking at you. Moderation is the key my friends.
For the movie industry, I wish for a new idea so we can move on from super heroes. Yes, I know the masked and caped dual identity do-gooders make billions for Hollywood. I know there are millions of fans out there who wait with great anticipation for the next one, but come on already. First, how many times can we go back to the well with the big three. Batman, Superman, and Spiderman have been done to death. Second, does every legend of comic book lore need to make it to the silver screen? How long until the Wonder Twins are touching rings? Please, studio executives, implore your writers to create something new.
For the music industry, I would like to gift you with forgetting you ever found auto-tune. This device has made many a so-called singer a star. If this is truly the music industry and you are supposed to have talent to succeed, then go sign talent. I have grown so tired of hearing everyone’s voices digitally adjusted I want to scream. A completely pitch perfect scream, mind you. Let’s face facts here. I can sing well enough to get close to a melody. Should I be a rock star? Hell no. If your artist cannot sing on key, or in Randy Jackson’s favorite criticism, “A little pitchy”, don’t sign them. Look a little harder, dig a little deeper and find singers. By the way, if some of the stars currently on the charts can really sing, we can’t tell. Let their talent shine. Please.
For Facebook, Twitter, and all other social media companies. A series of pre-post buttons. These buttons are created for the sanity of everyone OTHER than the person posting.
- Are you sure you want to post this now?
- Did you check it for spelling and grammar? (Not that anyone cares about this any longer.)
- Is this a photo you will regret posting later? (Like when you interview for that next job.)
- No, really, you need to re-read this post.
- Okay, but you will rue the day….
One can only hope this will still stop those who did not get the memo that duckface and deuces has gone out of style. Maybe the complexity of the posting will eliminate some of the drunken 3:00 AM rants about how Tom Brady got screwed or how the draft (pick our sport) is rigged. I think this one is a lost cause though. This may be out of Father Christmas’ wheelhouse.
For all students, I would like to clear a few things up. Wikipedia is not a legitimate reference tool. Pi is not 3. Physical education does not involve video games. There are fifty states. Benjamin Franklin did not “invent” electricity. Not everything needs to be abbreviated. If you are young and were offended by this because you know better, thank you. You are the ones I want caring for me when I am old and cantankerous. That may be in just a few weeks.
For the scientific community, no matter your field of expertise, my wish for you is patience. Persons are smart, people are stupid, reactionary and unwilling to listen. Keep working on the individuals and the people will come around.
For the sporting world, another year like the one we just had. We saw long droughts end, old favorites ride off into the sunset, and unexpected champions the world over (yes, you Leicester City and Ottawa). The global community came together again for more successful events. As long as you keep thinking of the fans in the seats, at home and in person, your game will improve. Kudos to the NBA and MLB for keeping the peace and the game on the field.
For everyone who is addicted to social media, a book. A book is like Twitter if you didn’t have a character limit, had spell check, full words, no hashtags, coherent thoughts, sensibility, and a point.
For people who do not text and drive, a forcefield to keep those who do away from us. If you are a person who texts and drives, stop. You are not as good at it as you think. I know, you think you are the exception. You are not, you suck at it. Stop.
For all the people in any store who feels like they have the entire place to themselves, awareness. No, you cannot park your cart on one side of the aisle, stand on the other and pretend that no one else is trying to get past you. Wake up and smell the frustration.
To certain hipsters, a bar of soap and some shampoo. You know who you are.
For our heroes, the real ones, our first responders and members of the military, safety. Enough said.
For every shelter animal, everywhere, a forever home.
For NASA, ESA, RSA, and every other space agency, courage to take the next step.
For the medical community, more power to heal. More and better research that will lead to cures and treatments.
For all those celebrities who are famous for being famous, self-respect and humility. Your self-esteem should not rely on us. Because we only need you until the next thing comes along. Get a grip.
For Minor League Baseball, better name choices. Jumbo Shrimp, Baby Cakes, really?!?
For those who take everything too seriously, a laugh. You can still be a crusader and take a moment to smell the flowers.
For those who take nothing seriously, a sense of responsibility. Some of us are getting tired of carrying you.
To everyone, a happy holiday. No matter if it is religious or secular, I hope it is healthy and safe for you and your family.
The Well-Rounded Individual